Showing posts with label boring. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boring. Show all posts

7/13/2012

The Order - From Matthew Barney's Cremaster Cycle 3 Review

The Order - From Matthew Barney's Cremaster Cycle 3
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The Order: From Cremaster 3 (Matthew Barney, 2002)
First off, let me just say that the disc is misrepresented by most people. Yes, it's a teaser DVD released in anticipation of the full Cremaster boxed set (which was supposed to be out 16 September 2003, and is now pushed back vaguely to "sometime in 2004"). No, it's not a hundred twenty minutes of Cremaster 3, which ran three hours in the theaters. It's thirty minutes of Cremaster 3 that occur towards the end of the film. So at the prices you're seeing it selling for at amazon, ebay, etc., it's not worth it unless you already know you love Cremaster (for reasons specified below).
As a rental, though, The Order is an absolute must. I don't know whether Matthew Barney created the subsection of Cremaster 3 called The Order with an eye towards releasing it as a teaser, but one way or the other, it works fantastically.
The Cremaster Cycle is that rarest of oddities, a series of films that have managed to become wildly popular despite having content that would leave the average filmgoer walking out scratching his head and saying "what on earth did I just sit through?" For that matter, most film snobs will wonder the same thing. Cremaster is like the Ezra Pound's Cantos of modern film; you'll enjoy it on the surface, but there's much more to be found if you happen to be up on such topics as Biblical history, the Masonic initiation rites, the Paralympics, and other such cultural obscurities. But don't let such a thing stop you. I know there's a lot of you out there who just have a thing for men in kilts. You get that, too.
Cremaster 3 is an allegorical tale detailing the construction of the Chrysler Building and linking it to the construction of the Temple of Solomon. The Order is a piece of this (filmed in the Guggenheim Museum, a gorgeous space made even more so by the film's set decoration) that deals far more with the Temple of Solomon aspect and the focus on the Masonic initiation rites. The protagonist is the Masonic Entered Apprentice (played by Barney). He starts at the bottom of a large cylindrical room with a spiral walkway that goes up five levels, with each level being a degree of Masonic initiation. Needless to say, this is not easy; he can't just walk up, but must climb, and each degree has a particular challenge he must face; an aggressive chorus line, a battle between two New York punk bands (Murphy's Law and Agnostic Front), a love interest (Paralympic gold medalist and Olympic athlete Aimee Mullins), The Five Points of Fellowship (you tell me, I have no idea) and, at the pinnacle, the Architect of the Temple of Solomon and the Chrysler Building himself (played by artist Richard Serra).
Like the rest of the film, the Apprentice's assent is not a linear thing; he bounces back and forth between levels, trying to figure out what's going on as much as we are. Pieces of each puzzle are scattered throughout, giving the whole thing an odd, Myst-like feel. (In fact, the Apprentice does not end with Serra, but on a lower level; non-linearity at its finest?)
Where the DVD of The Order may become purchasable for the average Joe who finds himself enamored with the Cremaster films is in the bonus material, which is what stretches the disc out to the promised 120 minutes. There are six full songs from each band to be found if you dig around enough, and a whole lot of outtake footage from each degree; various shots taken from various angles that extend each degree into a mini-film of its own (for example, the chorus line on the first level, who actually get maybe four minutes of screen time in the finished piece, do a whole fifteen-minute routine. The choreography is wonderful, and one wonders why you never see such things in actual chorus line performances).
For most of us, though, The Order is bound to do exactly what it set out to do: what our appetites for the whole boxed set. If there's as much bonus material in the box as there is on this disc, it's going to be huge, and wonderful, and worth whatever Palm Pictures ends up charging for it. See this now. **** ½

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Item Name: The Order - From Matthew Barney's Cremaster Cycle 3; Studio:Palm Pictures / Umvd

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7/09/2012

Playboy: 2007 Video Playmate Calendar (2006) Review

Playboy: 2007 Video Playmate Calendar (2006)
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Sara Jean Underwood provides a great opening with two clips that are not on her video centerfold. Nice touch.
Allison Waite stands out as a great brunette among mostly blondes. She rivals Sara Jean for best face & hair in my opinion.
Monica Leigh would be my 3rd favorite for the year.
Cassandra Lynn & Tamara Witmer were both better in still photos than in video format. Def. disappointing. Conversely, Athena Lundberg & Raquel Gibson seemed better in video than I remember from their photos.
Overall I think Kara Monaco is only about average but she can do her sexy strip-tease at my door any day. Actually she better come in so the neighbors don't call the police on her I guess.
This year didn't have an overall dud which is always a nice touch.


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5/11/2012

Bare Naked Survivor Again Review

Bare Naked Survivor Again
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dont be fooled in thinking this is a sequel to bare naked survivor this dvd as well as a dvd called survivor exposed all 3 movies are the same and only the names have been changed

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Sun, suds, a magical island, Bigfoot, Elvis and beautiful women perfect!In this hilarious parody the hot, sexy action continues in funny form as three former Playboy Playmates and three former Penthouse Pets romp in the sun and surf! (oh, and they do competitions and stuff too). Everyone will enjoy this parody of Survivor with inside jokes for fans of the show plus plenty of hilarious teenage humor for everyone else.

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4/09/2012

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1999) Review

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1999)
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I love this movie for how simple, entertaining and close to the original story it is. I am a 6th grade teacher, and for the past two years my class has read the story and watched this movie version. Last year, my kids said that it was much better than the gory Tim Burton one. I am so excited to be able to buy a copy since my taped-from-TV copy is getting worn from use!

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Item Name: The Legend of Sleepy Hollow; Studio:Lions Gate

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2/17/2012

The Open Road (2009) Review

The Open Road (2009)
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I am a big Jeff Bridges fan and appreciate everything he has done and such, but I didn't feel grabbed by this one at all. Not that there were horrible performances or bad film making, it just had a slew of little things peppered throughout that made me not give this the above average recommendation.
The story follows a minor league ball player (Timberlake) suffering a slump, who has to get his famous big league dad (Bridges) to make a final visit to his estranged and dying ex-wife. Through some poorly staged events, they have to make it a road trip together across several states (instead of flying) to make this union happen. The scenery is quite beautiful in some of the sequences, and it even upstages some of the sparse dialogue as the long-parted kin find a way to re-connect. Kate Mara is the tag-along friend who offers the love interest of Timberlake, but the chemistry never materializes in ways it should have.
The Blu quality is average to below average, with the strong showing being the opening aerial shot of the baseball game (must have used a different camera - they usually seem to in those kinds of scenes). Some of the color/contrasts in the open road shots shine nicely, but the amount of indoor and dark sequences show several weaknesses. The 5.1 is uneventful, and the only supplement offers little insight other than some typical fluff. Did not get to the commentary as I could not venture sitting through this twice. Three for the film content and Mr. Bridges (the supporting cast of Steenburgen and Harry Dean Stanton are not present enough to warrant dissecting their screen time). I love road films so maybe this will give you some light entertainment on a slow night.

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In this heartwarming comedy, minor leaguer Carlton Garrett (Justin Timberlake) takes an unexpected road trip to track down his estranged father, legendary baseball player Kyle Garrett (Jeff Bridges) when Carlton's mother (Mary Steenburgen) becomes sick.Knowing his charming yet painfully immature dad's likelihood to disappoint, Carlton enlists his on-again-off-again girlfriend Lucy (Kate Mara) for emotional support.Once reunited, Carlton struggles to deal with the series of misadventures caused by his father's antics, including missed flights, car trouble and bathroom brawls. Years of miscommunication, frustration and comically awkward attempts at bonding come to a head as the mismatched trio make their way from Ohio back home to Houston to reunite the family.

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1/25/2012

Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson Uncensored (2005) Review

Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson Uncensored (2005)
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The latest roasts on comedy central have been funny, but not memorable enough for a second viewing. Well Comedy Central has found a way to change that with the roast of Pamela Anderson. Oh Pamela you gorgeous Baywatch babe, she takes hits like I've never seen before on live television. And now with the release of this dvd you get to see the whole thing uncensored! Oh comedy central, you shouldn't have.
If you think you've seen a roast before .. you havent seen anything yet. The Roast of Pamela Anderson had me rolling in the aisles the first time I saw it on Comedy Central a couple months ago. And as many times as they re-ran it, I tell you I couldnt get enough. Let me just mention some of the goodies found here: First and foremost Pamela, in a classy see through getup, handles herself oddly enough with class, dignity, and a smile. She is one heck of a lady. But its the guests that are the highlight. Lets first start with Courtney Love, a personal hero of mine! Courtney was detained shortly after this performance and sent into rehab, so its quite a laugh to hear her boast here of how she has been clean and sober for a year! Clean and sober she is not, funny as hell she is. She is the scene stealer here, and the other comedians take more joy out of poking fun at her than even Pamela at some points. All of which are hillarious, and watching Courtney react and flail and fall about, is certainly something that needs to be re-watched over and over again. We get Bea Arthur reading excerpts from Pamela's book. Can you say brilliant? Who woulda known Bea Arthur would come out of hiding to roast our lady of the hour? She delivers the double-whammy when she reads aloud one of the "sexiest" scenesof the book. We have the always hillarious Sarah Silverman doing what she does best. She has had one hell of a year what with her movie "Jesus is Magic" her cameo in "Rent" her part in "The Aristocrats" and showing up at many roasts. Here she does herself proud poking fun at Pam, Courtney, and her boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel to name a few. Andy Dick takes a feel of Pammy's assets, and confuses an audience again with his sexuality. Tommy Lee is on hand. Which is great because he and Pam are like the couple never meant to be together, but somehow you just root for them. Although they aren't together as of the taping, it is cute to watch them take jabs at each other. The self proclaimed "Queen of Mean" Lisa Lampanelli delivers perhaps the funniest bits near the end before Pam herself gets her revenge.
Pam sat through the hell of a roast all for charity, PETA of course, which she is known to support avidly. (even protesting at KFC's .. she is quite devoted, and I think she should be commended for it). So with the cast of Jimmy Kimmel, Tommy Lee, Adam Carolla, Eddie Griffin, Sarah Silverman, Jeffrey Ross, Nick Dipaolo, Andy Dick, Greg Giraldo, Bea Arthur, Elon Gold, Lisa Lampanelli, Lady Bunny, Courtney Love, even Anna Nicole Smith (in the audience) and of course Pamela herself, it is a star studded hillarious event.
And now you can own it and rewatch it over and over. Who wouldnt want to see Courtney Love take a pratfall right at the moment when Pam gets up to deliver her speech? And the dvd features a ton of bonus features which are equally as exciting. Theres footage from the rehearsal, theres outtakes from the show, theres stuff from the red carpet (hillarious), and more. So overall Im giving this 4 stars. It is the funniest thing you will find on dvd this month. So if youre in need of a laugh, or a fan of any of the comedians or musicians on the dvd, this is a must have. Check it out, you wont regret it.


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Jimmy Kimmel hosts a roasting of sex-symbol Pamela Anderson.Item Type: DVD MovieItem Rating: NRStreet Date: 02/14/06Wide Screen: noDirector Cut: noSpecial Edition: noLanguage: ENGLISHForeign Film: noSubtitles: noDubbed: noFull Frame: yesRe-Release: noPackaging: Sleeve

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1/14/2012

Marco Polo (2007) Review

Marco Polo (2007)
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One lazy Sunday I drifted into watching this mini-series. My first impression was that it was a silly, romanticized Hollywood treatment of a classic historical account (admittedly, one that I hadn't personally read at the time).
And, yes, seeing Brian Dennehy cast as Kublai Khan made it especially hard to buy into the treatment! But the sets, costumes and storyline were all quite extraordinary. A lot of effort obviously went into the production , which was made in China with a substantial budget.
But many things just didn't sit right with me: the magnificence of Kublai Kahn's court, his cities, the military technology, and a romance between Marco and a Chinese princess? And then the Kahn charges Marco with delivering the princess to the other side of the planet???
I watched it to the end...and then ran to Amazon to find a book to get the facts. The book I found was The Travels of Marco Polo: Edited by Peter Harris (Everyman's Library (Cloth)).
Amazing news...this "sensationalized" mini-series barely scratches the surface of the astounding things Marco Polo reports in his 700 year old tale of travel!
His adventures, many of which are dramatized in this DVD, seemed absolutely unbelievable...until I found most of them proven true in the book... including the story about delivering the princess.
And the romance? Well, I suspect that Marco left quite a few personal facts out of his life in China. So kudos to the scriptwriters who wrote a little love between the lines of his historic journey.
Bottom line - a great film for couples or anyone with an interest in history.
If you just watch the film, marvel that there's more truth in this account than there is fiction! And if you want to know the truth, treat yourself to the book.


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This is the absorbing true story of Venetian explorer Marco Polo's arduous trek to the East-and beyond.The story follows Marco (Ian Somerhalder) as he is enlisted to accompany a pair of priests to the court of Kublai Khan (Golden Globe winner Brian Dennehy), Mongol conqueror of the East. Featuring Desiree Siahaan and BD Wong, Marco Polo is a gripping look at two of world history's most enigmatic men and a sensuous vision of a legendary time and place.Now available for the first time on DVD in an extended version featuring all-new bonus features!Literally, it's the adventure of a lifetime.

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12/06/2011

Naked in My Room - Skye Come Play with Me Review

Naked in My Room - Skye Come Play with Me
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I'm fairly unimpressed with this dvd. Skye, the young lady featured on the cover, has maybe a 6 minute scene shot looking fairly 2002ish (the quality of the camera shot, not the actual time-frame.) Two other models not shown are also featured: Alyse and Bella Valentine. Their scenes were also quite non-spectacular. Bella Valentine is a more "endowed" Italian woman and Alyse is your typical redhead-ish American female. The annoying thing for me that was common to all the shoots were the constant 5-second cycle shots where you would have 1 slow-moving angle, fade-out, and then fade-in with another angle for another 5 seconds - which keeps nauseatingly looping until the end of the shot. Alyse's entire shot was over-saturated with a red filter.
The models also have 1 on 1 clothed interviews which were actually more interesting than the main "attraction." However, Skye's interview deserved no more than 0.25 points out of a possible 10. All of her answers were mumbled and vague, plus she was looking down and filling out paperwork - barely even paying attention to the interviewer! One of the questions posed to her was "what is your favorite drink," to which she replied with "Mountain Dew" - explaining much to the quality of her teeth.
Skye is around 18 years of age and the other 2 models are clearly over 18. Skye has a lower-back rope/butterfly-looking tattoo and also spotty acne scars on her face - which isn't apparent on the cover due to a somewhat deceptive airbrushed shoppy-looking high contrast image.
To the other reviewer who called this "art," I would say this would more fit the description of "erotic nudity" - which still is a definite long shot from actual "pornography." I came to the conclusion of "erotic nudity" because of the type of shots used (5-second fade outs and ALSO some occasional zoomed female "parts" line-in-frame views), which would definitely NOT go down well if the context of the dvd was "artsy [family-implied] nudism." Plus the interview questions also had something to do with it as well. Questions like "What kind of things do you like in a man," and "What makes a woman 'sexy'," were common in all of the interviews.
In any case, I simply cannot recommend the dvd to anyone, especially at the $20 price point. Save your money and thanks for reading.

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11/21/2011

Men With Guns (1998) Review

Men With Guns (1998)
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This movie grapples with some serious issues. What, exactly is going on politically in South America? Where does individual responsibility lie? What does helping people really mean? What kind of legacy is it possible to leave? The setting of this movie is an unnamed country in South America. The writer/director, John Sayles, did this on purpose. This is to show that the kind of thing depicted in the movie could happen anywhere. However, it was shot in Mexico, in Spanish, with English subtitles.
The movie starts Federico Luppi as Dr. Humberto Fuentes, a wealthy doctor who is approaching retirement and has never paid close attention to the realities of his country. His greatest achievement, the "legacy" he is leaving, is his participation in an international health program in which he trained young doctors to work in the poorest of villages.
I watched this movie with horror and then, finally, resignation, as Dr. Fuentes travels in the mountains and makes startling discoveries. I made a few startling discoveries myself -- the abject poverty of the people, the disregard for human life, the acceptance by the people of this as a way of life. He finds that the people have no food. He finds that both the army and the guerillas are equally brutal. The movie takes us all on a journey with Dr. Fuentes. Along the way we meet a homeless child, a priest who lives with his own private demons, and a deserter from the army with a history of participating in the carnage. The movie goes deeper and deeper into the despair and devastation.
This is not a comfortable video to watch as it brings the viewer not only into the realities of the political systems in South America, but to the basic question of individual responsibility. I recommend it for those who are willing to take a fresh look at these things. You will not be smilling after viewing this video. But you will be thinking.

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10/04/2011

The Uninvited (2009) Review

The Uninvited (2009)
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The Uninvited begins with our protagonist, Anna, in a mental ward after dealing with the emotional trauma of losing her mother in a freak fire. As the film begins, her psychiatrist believes she is ready to go back into the real world and she is allowed to move back in with her father and her older sister, Alex. Unfortunately, father is now seeing Rachel, a nurse who was in charge of Anna's mother. This weird situation is further complicated by the fact that Anna is becoming more and more convinced that her mom wasn't killed in a freak accident...maybe she was murdered.
So if you have watched ghost movies over the last ten or so years, you basically know this film. It hits all of the major plot points, has a couple requisite twists and throws weird scares at you (it is based on a Korean film, you know). I expected all of this. I even expected one twist that I thought was revealed very early on. Even so, the ending still surprised me and I have to say that this film was classy in telling a familiar story. The truth is, there hasn't really been a genre-changing film in the ghost story genre for awhile now. The Uninvited is no different. So, what is important is not what is being told (as there's nothing new under the sun), but how it's told.
Here The Uninvited soars where a lot of recent ghost stories (Unborn, for example) have failed. The storytelling is far classier than it has any right to be, the script is well-written and convincing and the actors are terrific. Emily Browning, playing Anna, practically carries the weight of the film on her slender shoulders. With her forlorn and innocent gaze, you really start to feel for her increasingly desperate plight. Meanwhile, her sister is played perfectly by Arielle Kebbel who brings a sexy older sibling charm to the proceedings. And then there's Elizabeth Banks, playing the stepmother who might not be all she says she is.
All of this is pitted against a murder mystery or two and wrapped up in a perfect bow. There's not a dull moment in the film, the scares actually startled me, even when I expected them and some of the ghostly hauntings could give the weird factor of The Grudge/Ring a run for their money. It's effective and very well done.
I definitely recommend going to see it. The Korean film, A Tale of Two Sisters, is definitely in my scope now, to see how it stacks up. Go see The Uninvited if you're in the mood for a fun, classy and, yes, sometimes scary ghost story.

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UNINVITED - DVD Movie

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7/16/2011

The Ranch (Unrated Uncut Edition) (2004) Review

The Ranch (Unrated Uncut Edition) (2004)
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Yes, there are plenty of T&A if you are interested. Almost every pretty actresses in this movie appears topless at least once. But, without those scenes, it is still a good movie. A story about a group of prostitutes with different problems. A soon-to-be a bride who tried to hide her past. A mother who tried to be a role model for her daughter. A former actress who ran away from a pimp. Besides their professionals, one thing they have in common is hopes for a better life. The script is touching and the acting is great. It was very entertaining and gave me something to think about. Only one minor flaw is these prostitutes seem to be too nice and kind. Considering the problems they've been through, they still act like angels. Something that is hard to find even among well-educated people. It makes the movie less realistic to me. But overall it is still a movie that worth watching.

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